(We're going on a job hunt..)
I'm not scared..
(I'm not scared..)
Job hunting. Blech. Job seeking is a process designed, I'm sure, for the express purpose of eroding what little self-worth and confidence that one is able to muster. It is the mincer that us raw meat of humans are ground through to make us compliant, conforming, miserable tools of society. It is the reason that the all-knowing Dilbert cartoon advises us to quit and go on the hunt when hanging from a noose by the chandelier is more appealing than what one has in the way of current employment.
Why the fuck should I have to parade around like a show animal for the sake of getting employment? Human resources managers should queuing up at my door and clogging up my phone line begging me to work for their corrupt and pitiful organisation.
*bring bring*
"Hello, this is Althea."
"Althea darling! Hi, this is Organisation Y's waste-of-space HR Manager, Toady Trogs. I've heard so many wonderful things about you, and our government funded psychic probe revealed even more than appeals to us. Your heightened abilities to take an inordinate amount of crap and generally suffer fuckwits in the workplace are nothing short of astounding. We must have you on our staff. How about coming into the office next week for an interview to discuss how we can best make your 9-5 a living hell?"
"Fuck off Trogs." *click*
Eight and a half seconds later...
*bring bring*
"Hello this is Althea."
"Althea, hi! This is Organisation Z's waste-of-space HR Manager, Steely McStealthief.
"Hi Steely. How's it going."
"Good, good. I'm calling to inform you that you meet our requirements for a position we currently have vacant: treasure map design consultant. We've heard you're one of the best in the area."
"Damn straight. But why is Organisation Z willing to pay someone to make astonishingly realistic and ominous-looking treasure maps?"
"Well Organisation Z is in the business of selling fake treasure maps to idiots under the premise that they're real treasure maps. Our lawyers have worked out the contract of sale such that it's all legal, so you needn't worry about job security. You might experience a couple of twinges of guilt when you first become a part of the process of ripping people off, but that will fade with time and once you see how truly imbecilic our customers really are. We have a "Dipshit of the Month" showcase - it's funnier than the Darwin Awards."
"I see."
"We will pay you an obscene amount of money and you can work from home, so that we'll have no idea what hours you're actually working and you have complete autonomy over how you manage your time."
"Kewl."
"How does a Monday start sound?"
"What, you mean I don't even have to come in for an interview?"
"No. In fact, apart from an email once every two months, and the staff Christmas party, there is no need for you to have any contact with management from this point onward. Just post us the maps once they've dried from the tea."
"Can I get paid upfront, before I've done the work?"
"Sure, not a problem."
"Count me in Cap'n!" *click*
Three seconds later..
*bring bring*
"Hi, this is Althea. And you're too slow!
*click*
4 comments:
"You might experience a couple of twinges of guilt when you first being a part of the process of ripping people off"
Surely any such industry would be illegal! I'm shocked! Shocked!
Oh, and bonus points for referencing We're Going on a Bear Hunt.
Also oh: welcome back
"Surely any such industry would be illegal! I'm shocked! Shocked!"
I personally think that selling fake treasure maps is possibly more ethical than the legal and socially accepted marketing industry, which, given fed-up-with-it-ness that I'm experiencing with the financial processing side and a kicking reference from an old Marketing lecturer may be where I'm headed next. We'll see.
In any case, thanks AG. It's good to be back.
Across the boulevard from my house is an old Spanish olive orchard.
If I were to find an ancient map leading to Spanish treasure, would you announce this on an eBay account?
If not, how can I announce this on an eBay account?
I mean: I could draw you the map, and you could sell it on eBay.
The geography here is well suited for a person to buy into the treasure idea. A big hill of rock. The only one like it around. A big empty lot filled with ancient trees? Sounds like the beginning of an equitable bidness
I'd like to do bidnits wit choo, Althea.
You want in?
I will take your proposal under advisement. I'll have my people talk to your people and we'll negotiate some fair arrangement whereby I get all the money.
Post a Comment