Wish You Were Black 'Manitarian Association Brochure

Introduction
The Wish You Were Black 'Manitarian Association (WYWBMA) is a newly formed community service initiative to help a segment of the population who have not typically received support, but suffer nonetheless. White boys and men....answer the following questions to determine whether you need our help.

The Test

1. Are you in a bad way?



2. Do you want what you do not have?



3. Do you desperately want to be able to dance but you just can't?



4. Do you desperately want to be able to dunk but you really can't?



5. Do you desperately want to be a hip-hop artist but a melody comes out each time?



6. Do you dream about being a Black Panther?



7. Do you laugh a little too loud and a little too long at stand-up jokes by black comedians at the expense of white guys?



8. Would you be OK with being blind if it meant that you could be Stevie Wonder?



9. Would you kill for bass tones of Barry White?



10. Do you want to be dark and/or mysterious?



11. Do want to be....more....in a physical sense?

If you are a white male and answered yes to four or more of the above questions, chances are you have a case of "wish you were black" complex. This is the opposite of the "Michael Jackson" complex, but with the same potential for irrevocable psychological damage. You want it so bad it hurts. Chances are every time you look in a mirror you find yourself confronted by your non-brutha' status and it depresses the crap out of you. For those of you who are too far gone in denial of your condition, snap out of it man! You wish you were black. Don't try to hide from it any longer.

So where to from here?

The Next Step
Congratulations for recognising where you're at and having the courage to face your problems! Now that you are acquainted with the horrifying reality of your social malady, you can accept it. No longer need you, the afflicted, suffer in your private WASP-y hells! Funding for relief activities by the WYWBMA outreach program to help those in need. Hallelujah!

Register yourself as a sufferer and access a wide variety of treatments available to those who notify us of their need for support. There are the two general streams 'A Guide Back to the Light' and 'All The Way To The Dark Side' described in this brochure. There are also customised treatments based on your special circumstances available - contact us to discuss your options.

A Guide Back to the Light
For those who can still entertain the notion of living life as a self-accepting white man on some level, we can assist you in finding your way back to The Land of The White Honkies. You can implement some of the strategies on your own if you're feeling strong.

And here's how!

• Distance yourself from other tryhard WYWB complex sufferers. Carry a baseball bat around with you if necessary - WYWB sufferers can be very assertive.



• Destroy all music in your possession of the following genres; blues, soul, real R&B, contemporary R&B, reggae, rap, hip-hop, jazz, swing, ragtime, rock 'n' roll, funk, disco, gospel and most world music. Yes, even that by white or near-white artists. Stay away from the slippery slope.



• At once, listen to this, this, and this. It's all part of the treatment. When you start to get past the numbness and start tapping your toes, you'll know that it's working.



• Rebuild your music collection from the following genres only; country, western, bluegrass, classical, romantic, baroque, yodelling, and choir (remember, no gospel! Christmas carols, however, are acceptable). This may prove a challenge to sufferers of the WHWB complex. If needed, our support workers can assist you in this matter.



• Vote Republican. They're not going to win an election any time soon anyway, and by voting Republican you will automatically get a little whiter.*



• Play lots of golf. Note: this is not a suitable activity for an individual who idolises Tiger Woods.

If this is insufficient in getting you on your way back to being happily white, you may need to resort to more drastic measures. Even if you're not from New Zealand, we may recommend that you go All Black.

All the Way to the Dark Side
Are you truly a black man trapped in a white man's body? Is an escape from wishing you were black a futile prospect?

Don't despair - we're here to help. We are fully equipped to provide the following treatments to ease the transition....

• Race reassignment surgery. In the vein of Black Like Me, we will fry your skin for this treatment. There may be some dangerous side effects of this procedure, but, surely it could be nothing worse than the pain you're currently inflicting on your friends and family.
  
  
• Speech coach. We'll fix your bastardised vocalising and have you -izzling it up in no time!
  
  
• Hairdresser, to arrange an appropriate mini-plaits or dreads style for you.

• Assistance with selecting a modified version of your name that fits your status as a brutha.'

And more!

Contact us for more info, and take a moment to read the words of some of our many satisfied customers!


Testimonials

"WYWBMA really made my life worth living again, I really can't thank them enough."
-That guy in Philadelphia who had more Bob Marley paraphernalia in his apartment than I have even seen before or since

"I'd recommend WYWBMA to anyone who is experiencing racial dissonance."
-Bob Seger

"I'm really looking forward to my surgery - I'll finally be a whole person. Thanks WYWBMA!"
-J Tibby, formerly known as Justin Timberlake

*Not a lily kind of white, more like a sickly, nasty bleach white. But white nonetheless!